And now, in honor of Halloween, the Top 5 Scarecrow Complaints! Number 5 Every day its denim and flannel, denim and flannel. Number 4 Two words: Crow poop. Yeah, youre real brave when youre up there, huh? Come down here and well see how tough you are! Number 3 Everybody just assumes that you can dance like that Wizard of Oz scarecrow. And by the way, a brain aint the first organ ID be wishing for, you know what Im sayin? Number 2 This job would be a lot easier if I was packin heat. And the Number 1 Scarecrow Complaint... Youd be grumpy too if you had a broomstick up your a$$. Happy Halloween
Getting old Getting old Getting old today Count the years Face the truth Whats your body say? Stretch you back Crack your neck How you feel today? Getting old Getting old today Seen my keys? Ow, my knees! Whys the print so small? Hard to see Have to pee And that isnt all First Im hot Then Im cold Now I cant recall What I said Oh, the hell with it all Make a wish! Blow out the candles on your cake and dont leave anything to chance Cross your legs! Cause when youre laughing you dont want to accidently wet your pants. Forget about Calories and carbohydrates -- all the stuff that makes you fat Eat some cake The only clothing you will fit in later will just be your hat. Have a good Have a good Have a good Birthday That is all That is all That I have to say Ill repeat One more time Therefore, if I may Have a good Have a good Birthday!
Who is that pattering on the rooftop eight days in December (excluding the Sabbath)? Who is it that braves the freezing temperatures (without so much as a sweater) to deliver presents under the menorah? Who is it that noshes on your milk and rugelach in the wee hours of the night? Is it Santa? Is it a burglar? NO! It's Zayde Claus! This is why we don't have holiday characters. Happy Hanukkah!
Hey, is it your birthday? I hope so, because I have a special birthday song for you. But even if it isn't your birthday, I'm going to sing it anyway because you look kinda like someone who wants to hear a song today. Okay, here we go... Ahem... Oooooooooooh.... I'm a hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, and today is your birthday! I'm juicy and delicious, and I just want to say, happy birthday, birthday, birthday, to you! Yay for your birthday! Hope it's happy and delicious!
Hey, you! American worker ! You who goes out every day and earns your paycheck by using your brain, your brawn, or your catlike instincts It is in your honor that we observe. Labor Day! To help celebrate, why not take the American Worker Labor day Quiz !
Greta the Groundhog would like to return to her burrow, but she has to cross the Valley of the Shadow to get there. Help her outrun the sun and avoid the other obstacles in her way, and she will invite you to her Early Spring Party! Use your mouse to move up and down to avoid the obstacles. You have 30 seconds. Good luck! Happy Groundhog Day!
You're 40! Do you realize that 40 years ago . . . Call waiting referred to a line outside a phone booth. A flat screen was something you put in your window to keep the insects out . . . An airbag was someone who talked too much. Spam was found only in the kitchen. A cell phone was what you used to make your one call from jail . . . and a birthday was something you actually looked forward to! Happy 40th Birthday
And now, its time for ASK CUPID, starring everybodys favorite God of Love, CUPID! Hey, out there you lovers, sweethearts, suitors, wooers, and swains. Swains? What the hecks a swain? Did I say that? Its your old buddy Cupid here. Are you looking for that special someone? Some hunk or honey you canyou know. You KNOW what Im talkin about. Or maybe you want give your current relationship a little extra Well, youve come to the right place. Cause I got the answers to your questions damour. That means of love. Lets see whats in the ol mailbag, shall we? Hmm. Lance from Los Angeles writes: Dear Cupid, My girlfriends measurements are 38-24-36. Shes tall and blonde and beautiful wants me to move into her mansion with her and her twin sister. I dont know what to do. Can you help? Yeah, Lance. I can help. Run! Run as fast as you can away from that situation! Its not healthy. And send me your girlfriends phone number. I want to give her a piece of my (slide whistle SFX) mind. MIND. I said MIND! (looks around, worried) Whos next? Candy from Kentucky writes: Dear Cupid, My husband thinks hes a Chihuahua. What can I do? Chihuahua, huh? Okay. One more. Lets see Someone named Deedee from Des Moines writes: Dear Cupid, Im in love, but Im not sure my love loves me, or even knows Im in love. Id love to love my love and would love to be loved. I love love. How do I find love? Geez. Im the freakin GOD of Love, and youre making ME sick. Listen, Deedee, if thats your real name, you dont find love; love finds you. Sit back, and Ill see what I can do. Okay? Geez. So thats it for now. But Valentines Day is coming, and you may see me in YOUR neighborhood. I may even come to see YOU. And then maybe YOU could Happy Valentines Day!
Sometimes a holiday needs more than a few decorations. And sometimes you've got to be more than sweet to survive. "This could get a little sticky" This Fall, get ready for the sweetest thrill ride of the season, as this gang of unlikely heroes does whatever it takes to take Halloween back. With romance With action With drama This Halloween get caught up in The Sweet Escape... Because the days of these tasty treats getting tricked are over. Happy Halloween
The Official Passover Cooking Survival Guide. Day 1: Matzo with butter and jelly Day 2: Matzoball soup Day 3: Fried Matzo Day 4: Matzo melt Day 5: matzo muffin Day 6: Swedish matzo ball Day 7: Matzo with milk Day 8: Turkey matzo club and matzo a la mode Day 9: And last but not least... Happy Passover (and matzo luck making it through!)
Happy Birthday One of the best things about having a birthday is making a wish. But it'll only come true if you blow out all your candles. Make a wish and click! This can be a problem if some jokester fools you with trick candles. But don't give up yet! CLICK again! As the candles light back up. click to get rid of as many as you can. You have 15 seconds before your wish wears off. Click the cake to begin. Time: Score: Congratulations! Your wish is ## times more likely to come true. And I'm wishing you a happy birthday, too!
How Cats Celebrate Birthdays 1. Rise at first light. Sit on owner's face until they wake up. 2. Loudly demand birthday breakfast be served. 3. Shun two kinds of cat food. Shun owner, then grudgingly eat organic tuna. 4. Visit "magic box." Find conditions unacceptable. 5. Enjoy "private time" behind sofa. 6. Enjoy watching owner clean "magic box" and area behind sofa. 7. Practice the ol' yoga stretches. 8. Hork hairball into secret hiding place. 9. Stare at wall. Pretend to "see" something owner cannot. 10. Sleep for 18 hours. Start all over again. Hope your birthday is just as much fun!
Hey, amigo-- it's your lucky day! I've got a muy bueno song just for you! Ready? Alla vamos! What would you like-- chicken or beef? Today is your birthday, you have to believe! I wish you the best hope your day is just bueno. Feliz cumpleanos from your singing taco! Happy Birthday