Top Five Leprechaun Complaints Number Five This cereal is neither magical nor delicious! Number Four Its hard to hold your whiskey when youre built like a four-year-old. Number Three If I hear, Top o the mornin to ya! one more time, someones gonna get hurt! Number Two Every time I wash me leprechaun outfit, me entire laundry turns green! And the Number One Leprechaun Complaint Tiny little leprechaun. Tiny little shillelagh! Happy St. Patricks Day
And now, in honor of Halloween, the Top 5 Scarecrow Complaints! Number 5 Every day its denim and flannel, denim and flannel. Number 4 Two words: Crow poop. Yeah, youre real brave when youre up there, huh? Come down here and well see how tough you are! Number 3 Everybody just assumes that you can dance like that Wizard of Oz scarecrow. And by the way, a brain aint the first organ ID be wishing for, you know what Im sayin? Number 2 This job would be a lot easier if I was packin heat. And the Number 1 Scarecrow Complaint... Youd be grumpy too if you had a broomstick up your a$$. Happy Halloween
I am a bird with no tomorrow Dont want to be the main entrees. I bid farewell before Thanksgiving to the place I was hatched and raised. For six fine months I had a free range, Eating bugs and whatever moved, I got fatter than a tree stump Now they want my head removed! Oh, fare you well my native farm land The place where I did eat so well. Ive got to plan for my survival I think Ill find me a hotel. Hope you survive another Thanksgiving.
One evening on the bunny trail with cotton tails a-hoppin' I saw a ragged bunny, his big ears were a-floppin' But he smiled a big old smile although he coulda blown a gasket He said I'm happy 'cause I got to see the Easter Candy Basket. In the Easter Candy Basket, there's lots of jelly beans They're yellow, red, and purple, white, and orange and green, Some of them weigh twenty pounds, some are big as bricks, But you'll eat a lot, no matter what, Prepare to increase the size of your butt From the Easter Candy Basket. In the Easter Candy Basket, you'll see marshmallow chicks You chew their little heads off, and you'll need lots of toothpicks. The eggs are solid chocolate, their shells are made of gold. Oh the bunnies and the hens are chocolate friends They're neatly all contained in cellophane, (cont.) You'll eat them without thinking of the weigh you'll gain. You feel nauseated, but you can't abstain, Better get ready for abdominal pain From the Easter Candy Basket.
Presenting a Halloween Monster Story for You Once upon a time in my house there was a scary fish monster and he lived in my fish tank. He was purple. He would come out the door and he would hide cookies under my bed and I ate all them--the entire bowl. I would ride on his shoulders to the park. We could play all day and all night, because he was nice. Have a monster-good time this Halloween!
Halloween comes once a year so shake a leg and get in gear don't even want to suck your blood just don't be fillin' my bag with crud gimme candy corn and I won't cry your candy better not suck! Apples are bad, pears are the pits popcorn balls give me green zits don't care if my teeth fall out candy's all I care about gimme candy corn and I won't cry your candy better not suck! Dim lights and close the door you won't like what I have in store you'll find out how low I'll stoop with a flamin' pile of werewolf poop gimme candy corn and I won't cry your candy better not suck!
How Cats Celebrate Birthdays 1. Rise at first light. Sit on owner's face until they wake up. 2. Loudly demand birthday breakfast be served. 3. Shun two kinds of cat food. Shun owner, then grudgingly eat organic tuna. 4. Visit "magic box." Find conditions unacceptable. 5. Enjoy "private time" behind sofa. 6. Enjoy watching owner clean "magic box" and area behind sofa. 7. Practice the ol' yoga stretches. 8. Hork hairball into secret hiding place. 9. Stare at wall. Pretend to "see" something owner cannot. 10. Sleep for 18 hours. Start all over again. Hope your birthday is just as much fun!
Sometimes a holiday needs more than a few decorations. And sometimes you've got to be more than sweet to survive. "This could get a little sticky" This Fall, get ready for the sweetest thrill ride of the season, as this gang of unlikely heroes does whatever it takes to take Halloween back. With romance With action With drama This Halloween get caught up in The Sweet Escape... Because the days of these tasty treats getting tricked are over. Happy Halloween
I heard you're not feeling great, so I thought you should meet, Will, the e-male nurse. Time for another sponge bath. This warm oil massage ought to improve your circulation. Would you like a gin chaser for your four o'clock meds? Into bed with you, right now! I'll just take off my shirt and help you with that crossword puzzle. Get Will soon.
Were vampires, were monstrous blood-sucking undead, So lets laugh, lets celebrate, lets toast to Halloween In life you go round only once, someone said, But it wasnt us or our zombie friends who will eat your spleen. Some think its all about the Trick or Treating, Going door to door in the darkness of night, To us it makes more sense just meeting To get together for a quick bite The townsfolk with torches are all nervous wrecks They have garlic and wooden stakes but they have to live in fear So lets sink our fangs into some peasant necks and rejoice that Halloween is finally here. Here! Here! Halloweens finally here! Here! Here! Into hearts lets strike fear! It is here lets strike fear fangs will bite cause tonights HALLOWEEN! Hope Your Halloweens a Classic!
You two go together Like sunsets and cuddles, Like fires and s'mores, Like jumping and puddles. Like daisies and bees, Like strolls and warm weather, Like butterflies and kisses, You go perfectly together! Happy Anniversary!
Today's is the birthday of someone I know Sometimes I call it 'b-day' just for short And sing a B-Day Ditty Yeah, a B-Day Ditty I sing the ditty in the city or I sing it on a country lane. Well, I like b-days cause I think they're fun I hope you like b-days cause you're the one I sing this B-Day Ditty Yeah, this B-Day Ditty Cause you're the one I sing this funny B-Day Ditty to. Hap-Hap-py B-Day Hap-Hap-py B-Day I say a hap, hap, hap, hap I say a pee pee pee pee I say a hap, hap, happy B-Day, Birthday to you Yeah, you're the one I sing this Happy B-Day Ditty to! Happy Birthday!
How Dogs Celebrate Birthdays 1. Rise at 5:30 a.m. Wet-nose the master. 2. Go out and pee on the world. 3. Make poopy. 4. Sniff poopy. 5. Seriously think about eating poopy. 6. Eat funny-looking bug instead. 7. Throw up bug parts on living room rug. 8. Drink out of magic well. 9. Sleep for 17 hours. Start all over again. Hope your birthday is just as much fun! (Except for the "poopy" thing.)
It's time for really random objects celebrating birthdays, yeah. Are you kidding? I love birthdays! I usually don't get many gifts for my birthday-- mostly just cash. Yeah, me too. I'd like to get a kitten for my birthday. I'm not really a dog person. I get so many birthday cards! There might even be one in here for you! I love birthdays, but I never get my own birthday I always have to celebrate it with you-know-who. Bleep! birthdays! Hey, hey, hey! Leave me alone! What's wrong with the mailbox on the corner? I'm in the prime of my life. I've still got plenty of time. Nevermind. OMG! I get so excited for birthdays! Hope your birthday is full of random fun!
How I tried to remember your birthday! I wrote the date upon my hand and also in a planner. I hired a plane to jog my brain by pulling a great big banner. I taped your picture on the fridge so thoughts of you would linger. And finally, I found some string . . . and tied it to my finger. But I must've tied it too tight, 'cause I cut off my circulation, passed out, and didn't come to until your birthday was over. Happy Belated!
We've had our share of busy times, we've had our share of quiet. We've had our share of working hard and times that were a riot! We've had our share of differences, and, sure, we've had a spat. We've had our share of making up --- and, boy, we're good at that! We've shared the good, we've shared the great, we've shared a tear or two. And I wouldn't trade a moment of the times I've shared with you! Happy Anniversary with Love.
Who is that pattering on the rooftop eight days in December (excluding the Sabbath)? Who is it that braves the freezing temperatures (without so much as a sweater) to deliver presents under the menorah? Who is it that noshes on your milk and rugelach in the wee hours of the night? Is it Santa? Is it a burglar? NO! It's Zayde Claus! This is why we don't have holiday characters. Happy Hanukkah!
I'm an awesome pear so cool and sweet, Which is why I am so loved from my stem to my feet. When it come to pears only the best will do, The only thing that can beat a pear like me... is a pair like you. Youre such a good pair Happy anniversary to youuuuuuuuu Happy Anniversary
This Halloween, why settle for the same old, boring jack-o-lantern when you can have a crack-o-lantern or a Yack-o-lantern or a Rack-o-lantern or a Wack-o-lantern or a Mac-o-lantern HAPPY HALLOWEEN :-)
Ready, OK! Here's a song for a Dad named (recipient) Give that man a trophy He's a Dad who know his stuff He really rocks (personal characteristic) He's a man who's really tough. He's a Dad who (favorite activity) Stand proud! Stand tall! He's a Dad who loves (favorite food) He's the greatest Dad of all! Happy Birthday to a great Dad!