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At a Loss for Words – By: Kathy Davis

At a Loss for Words - Kathy Davis

I found myself at a complete loss for words…and as a writer of greeting cards, that is not my usual M.O.

Sadly, on not just one but on three separate occasions in recent years, I received the mind-numbing news that a dear friend had suffered the sudden and shocking loss of a husband at a far-too-young age. Each of these friends had NO time to say goodbye, NO warning of what was to come…and NOTHING to help them prepare for their tragic loss.

Having lost both of my parents in the past 10 years, I was not a stranger to grief, but these sudden losses were the kind I was used to reading about in the news…the kinds of things that happened to OTHER people. The deaths of my friends’ husbands hit far too close to home…and while I couldn’t begin to imagine the depth of loss these women were experiencing, I was not immune to the shock waves of pain I felt from just knowing them. Suddenly, this subject became a lot more personal to me.

These deaths were not only unexpected, their circumstances were most unlikely. Sigrid’s husband died during a morning bike ride; Joanne’s husband never woke from an afternoon nap; and Shannon’s husband tragically drowned in the ocean while swimming with his son. All three deaths were attributed to heart issues, but these men were otherwise healthy and in the prime of their lives.

I have no idea what words I may have expressed to each friend upon hearing their terrible news, but as one who makes a living helping people share words of comfort during times like these, it was important for me to better understand what may have helped my friends cope with their loss.

I have always found writing messages for sympathy cards and serious illness a challenge, albeit a rewarding one. Helping people express their feelings when it matters most is a privilege and one I take to heart. My experience as a writer has taught me it’s often not how much you say, but what you don’t say that is important. Simply letting someone who’s suffering know they occupy a space in your heart can be so meaningful. Everyone’s experience with grief is different and very personal. The gesture of sending a sympathy or thinking-of-you card means the most when it includes some personal words from the sender, especially a memory or story about the loved one.

Kathy Davis - At a Loss for Words: When a friend suffers the sudden loss of a loved one

While I know there are countless books and articles written on this topic, it was important to me to learn this knowledge in an authentic way…directly from my friends.

I asked each of them two simple questions:

What words or gestures from others offered you comfort in dealing with your grief?
What words or gestures, while well intentioned, were not comforting…and were maybe even hurtful to you?

I’m sharing my friends’ responses in their own words.

Please DON’T

Don’t ask me “How are you?” I’m not OK. (Instead, you might ask me, “How are you doing this afternoon?”)
Don’t ask me what I need! I don’t know!
Don’t be afraid that you may make me cry…or laugh! I want to hear your memories, stories, recollections. My tears help to cleanse me, to heal me. My laughter helps me to celebrate my time with my loved one and gives me strength.
Don’t say, “Call if you need anything,” because I do not want to impose. Just DO something nice for me without being asked.

– Words that do NOT help:

“I know just how you feel.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“(He’s) in a better place now.”
“You’ll feel better with time.”
“God works in mysterious ways.”

Kathy Davis sympathy cards

Please DO

Understand that my grief is different from anyone else’s. It is long-lasting, and it comes to me in waves.

Show me you care by sending cards, letters, texts and emails.

Add a personal note to my sympathy or thinking-of-you card. I especially appreciate memories about my loved one. These memories mean the world to me and let me know that my (husband’s) life made a difference to you and others.

When writing me a message, just be yourself. Simple yet genuine words let me know you care.

Share your stories and photos with me.

Please keep me in your thoughts. Receiving cards and thoughtful gestures for months or even years later really made me feel loved. One friend sent me a thinking-of-you card once a month for six months. That was really special.

Honor anniversaries and special occasions. When I heard nothing from my family and friends in remembrance of our wedding anniversary, I was really hurt.

Sending me small gift cards for coffee or a meal are so appreciated. Small gestures make a big difference.

SHOW UP – in person, via email or text, in a card or a letter. Show your love with actions:
- Take my kids for an afternoon.
- Pick up some food items for me from the grocery store.
- Bring me a prepared meal.
- Ask me to go for a drink.
- Take me to a movie.
- Take me to a park to go for a walk.
- Just give me a chance to talk.

– Words that help me:

“I know this is a really difficult time for you.”
“I am here for you.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling.”
“I care.”
“Call me whenever you may need to talk.”

The above feedback from my friends gave me a lot of insight into the kinds of words and gestures that have helped them heal.

I am so grateful for their openness and willingness to share their experiences with all of us so that we, in turn, can help others as they journey through grief.

I honor Sigrid, Joanne, and Shannon for their courage, their strength, and their grace in the ways each of them have handled their loss. May they have continued healing and warm memories to carry in their hearts.

Being There Through Infertility: Friend-to-Friend

July 17 By American Greetings

AG_FB_LINK_title-blog-Infertility-3-Friend

Today’s post from our “Being There Through Infertility” series, focuses the importance of friendship during infertility. Today’s post was put together by myself, Danielle, an American Greetings associate, and features one of the greatest friendships I have in my life, with my friend, Noha, who is also an American Greetings associate.

The journey to motherhood is what brought Noha and I together almost five years ago when we were pregnant with our daughters together. That journey – one of first-time motherhood definitely bonded us and solidified the power of our friendship. After my daughter was born, I experienced multiple perinatal mood disorders, including, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder. I never felt so alone, but because Noha and I were on maternity leave together, I ended up leaning on her, and she became one of my biggest support systems. Over the next four years, we only became closer, and I am so proud to call her one of my best friends.

The past year has been one of stress, pain, and anxiety for both of us, but being able to lean on each other, and especially being able to repay a fraction of the support she gave to me during my darkest days, has allowed me to see how important showing up for people in our lives truly is.

being there for your friend through infertility

Here is Noha’s story in her own words…

Tell us a little bit about your infertility journey.

After my husband and I had our daughter (without any issues), we decided that we were going to try again after she turned one. We officially started trying in November of 2013, a month after her birthday. After a good year passed with no luck, we decided to talk to the doctor. I found out that several cysts had developed, and after some time I ended up meeting with an infertility specialist and decided to have surgery to remove one of the cysts that would not go away.

After much preparation, I was ready for the day of the laparoscopy. I just wanted to remove the cyst and move forward with trying to have a second child. I remember waking up from my surgery and asking, “Did they get it?” The look on the nurse’s face was very telling. She said “Well… actually, we didn’t remove anything.” “We couldn’t even get to the cyst because you have Endometriosis.” I ended up being diagnosed with stage four endometriosis – an advanced stage that was most likely causing my infertility issues.

After much deliberation with specialists, we were told if we wanted to go in and try to remove some of the endometriosis, we’d have a 25% chance success rate. If we did IVF, it was a 40% chance, so we went the IVF route.

Our first try was in November of 2016. I didn’t know what to expect, but I had a very positive mindset going into it knowing that I already had a child before and I’m under the age of 35. The doctors seemed very optimistic as well. However, that IVF failed and I was devastated and confused, but we decided not to wait too long before our next try.

We tried again with our second IVF procedure this past March, and this time around I got pregnant. However, I miscarried a week after getting the blood test. Although it was horrible news and I was devastated, I was, in a way, still pleasantly surprised that I even got pregnant.

We now have two embryos left, and after going through the first two tries, we decided to take a break during the summer so I can have a bit of a rest. Our last try will probably be towards the end of this summer or beginning of fall. This time we will put in the two embryos together, hoping for a better chance of a successful pregnancy.

How did you decide on being so open with your story?

I’m not a very private person to start with, so it’s not out of character for me to share my journey. Also, through the years of trying, I’ve met people that are either going through the same thing, went through it at some point, or just had their own issues with other things. To me, issues are issues. Mine is infertility. But anyone sharing any personal issue with me, is knowledge and awareness that I gain. So when I get asked the very common questions, “Is she the only one?” “You don’t want anymore?” I just explain very briefly that I’ve been trying for years. If they ask more questions, I share even more. I don’t feel ashamed for my infertility issue because that’s completely out of my control and there’s nothing taboo about it, in my eyes.

What was the most helpful thing someone said or did for your during this journey?

My parents have been extremely helpful during this process. During my first IVF try, it was peak time for my husband’s business. If he couldn’t make it, my parents stepped in and helped me by watching my daughter or even going to the appointments with me. They were there for me in every way possible.

My husband, although extremely busy with work, has been able to give me my routine progesterone shots every morning before leaving for work, and without him, I would NOT have been able to do this alone.

My friends were always there. I have a great group of friends that are there for me during the most important times. I’m so unbelievably lucky to have such an amazing group of friends at work, especially. This includes my manager and co-workers, who are extremely understanding when I have to take days off for appointments or when I find out results. These group of friends have literally cried with me, and I can’t feel any more gratitude when it comes to them.

What gets you through the hardest days?
I’m EXTREMELY lucky to be able to answer that question by saying that my daughter is 100% the reason why I’m okay. Many women with infertility issues, don’t have the privilege of saying “my child gets me through this.” I know that what I’m going through is nothing compared to what someone who wants to be a mom to at least one child is going through. I don’t take it for granted, and I know how lucky I am. When things do get tough with this process, I tend to gravitate towards my daughter the most and spend a little extra time with her, because I know how lucky I am to be a mom in the first place.
being there for a friend through infertility struggle Watching our girls grow up together has been an amazing experience that has gotten both of us through some of the toughest times.

In what ways was Danielle able to show up for you differently than others?

Oh Danielle! I tell her this all the time, but she is absolutely one of the most thoughtful friends I’ve ever had. She listens to me and talks to me in ways that no one else does. She’s very empathetic and extremely supportive. She has never turned down a conversation when I needed her. She also isn’t just there when I need to talk, but is so attentively listening to every word I say and she just knows the right things to say to make me feel loved and cared for. I’ve never had a friend so understanding. She knows the right things to do and say to make me feel that she’s here for me during this process no matter what!

Danielle and Noha smiling in a picture

Knowing that Danielle credits you for being someone who showed up the most for her during her postpartum depression struggle, what has it meant that she is now able to show up for you during your infertility journey?

Danielle and I have been through a lot together. We became friends while we were both pregnant with our daughters in 2012, and have only gotten closer through the years. From her postpartum depression, to her dad’s passing, to my infertility, to our anxiety issues related to those situations, we’ve always been there for each other. I just can’t imagine it any other way. And for Danielle to be going through some of the toughest situations in her life, she somehow managed to make it about me when it came to my IVF process. It’s like she leaves all her worries and issues behind when she knows I need someone. And that takes a very special person to be able to do that. I’ve been beyond lucky to have her in my life and I hope to be as thoughtful and caring to her as she always has been to me.

“I Wish You Knew” (Free Printable)

July 13 By American Greetings

i wish you knew free printable being held

We have been overwhelmed with the amount of stories being shared since the launch of our infertility series. The bravery and strength it takes to share these stories has not gone unnoticed, and we would like to thank everyone for having the courage to share.

Through many of these stories, we have heard what women, men, and couples wished people knew about infertility and the everyday challenges that come with the journey. We invite you to share those thoughts and wishes through this (free) printable fill-in-the-blank. Simply print out the sheet, fill in the statement, and share on any social platform to help people understand your unique perspective.

American Greetings resolve to reconnect printable

Click here to print

Being There Through Infertility: A Discussion with Elizabeth Grill, Psy. D

July 10 By American Greetings

being there through infertility with beach sunset background

It’s often said that it’s tough to be a parent, but what doesn’t get talked about as much is just how tough it can be to become one. According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, Infertility affects one in eight couples—that’s more than seven million people in the United States.

As a company that honors and celebrates real life, we wanted to shine light on this issue to let hopeful parents know they are not alone—and help you, our dear readers, to have a better idea on what to do or say to support loved ones. By addressing this experience that touches so many (but is often not talked about) we hope to inspire more acts of compassion and kindness in support of those struggling with this heartbreaking disease.

To raise awareness of the importance of offering support to those experiencing infertility, we wanted to share with you our Being There Through Infertility series, to provide an inside look on the topic of infertility, as told by the people who have lived it.

In our first installment today, we’re featuring a conversation with Elizabeth Grill, Psy. D, and member of the Board of Directors for RESOLVE.

Dr. Elizabeth Grill

How did you first become involved with RESOLVE?

I first learned about RESOLVE when I was a fellow at The Center for Reproductive Medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. I was looking for ways to help and support patients on their family building journeys beyond the Center at Cornell. I was fortunate to be invited to a RESOLVE support group leader’s meeting and quickly joined forces with other mental health professionals in New York volunteering for RESOLVE. I began running support groups for RESOLVE 17 years ago and have remained involved with this amazing organization ever since.

How important is a support system to women and couples going through infertility?

When diagnosed with infertility, many individuals and couples may no longer feel in control of their bodies or their life plan. Women, men, and couples face loss of perceived control especially over the plans they made and fantasized about throughout their lives related to how and when they would conceive. They may experience loss of status and security. There can be loss of self-esteem, sexuality, femininity/masculinity, relationships, and potential loss of genetic continuity.

Feelings of isolation and social separateness begin to develop when the individual/couple realizes that others seem to conceive and bear children effortlessly. They at once feel different and alone. This sense of isolation may develop when the individual/couple is continuously questioned or teased about their childlessness. The need to insulate oneself from the emotional pain brought on by others’ curiosity or by social celebrations such as baby showers, christenings, and family events is acute. To avoid this pain, many infertile individuals and couples tend to withdraw, to isolate themselves from family and friends with children or avoid activities that include children. The resulting feeling of isolation can significantly affect self-esteem. The infertile individual or couple thus feels different, impaired, and prohibited from being part of a larger, childbearing society.

For all the reasons stated above, infertility is often the first life crisis that drives individual/couples to seek counseling with a mental health professional who is familiar with the emotional experience of infertility. Individual, couple’s, and/or group therapy help people to cope with the emotional roller coaster. Mental health professionals can offer support, teach coping strategies, and help with important decision making. Support groups offer a place for individuals and couples to share practical advice and helpful tips as well as meet and talk with others undergoing similar experiences.

What is the most important piece of advice you would give to someone who wants to show up and support someone going through infertility, but maybe doesn’t know where to start?

The first thing I would say is congratulations for understanding the need to offer a loved one, colleague, or friend support during this difficult life crisis. The mere recognition that someone you know needs support is certainly the first step in the right direction. Sometimes, all it takes is just showing up and telling the person that you care and that you are there to listen and/or lend support. Don’t try to solve the problem or give unsolicited advice. Instead, ask how you can help provide support, LISTEN to what the person’s needs are, and be prepared for those needs to change on a daily-even hourly basis. In some cases, friends and family members need to be educated not only about infertility and its treatments but also about the ways in which they can provide support. Go to the Family and Friends section of Resolve.org and educate yourself about infertility and how to support those you care about.

How do you avoid saying the wrong thing, and what are some examples of things that you shouldn’t say to friends going through this?Involuntary childlessness is an inter-generational crisis that can strain or damage family relationships by impairing communications and interactions. When infertility interrupts the normal family life cycle, it is not uncommon that a family’s unique flaws can sometimes precipitate negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and/or unhealthy coping strategies. As a result, family (and friends) can sometimes be the infertile person’s greatest challenge. They say insensitive things (“I think you’re just too stressed and need a vacation.”) or pry into the couple’s personal lives (“Any big news this month?”). Many family members and friends, in fact, truly struggle with how to support the individual and couple’s experiencing infertility. Support and interest is usually very much appreciated by the infertile couple; however, advice is not. To be helpful, some family members will talk of “miraculous pregnancies” that they have heard about, cut out articles, or suggest treatments or physicians. This type of behavior is usually unwelcome and often insulting to individuals who have often spent months/years of research finding the right doctors and treatments and these comments suggest that the couple is incapable of making their own adult decisions.

What are good alternatives and examples of the right things to say?

Some suggestions for family and friends include:

Acknowledging infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and costs
Being sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one’s family as desired
Asking the couple how they would like to be supported
Emphasizing the importance and value of the couple as family members and friends
Keeping lines of communication open and stressing the importance of honesty, candor, tact, and diplomacy in interactions
Respecting the boundaries that the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility and understanding that they may not wish to discuss the ups and downs of this journey.

What do you find most rewarding about the work you do with RESOLVE?

I’m proud to be serving as a RESOLVE Board Member committed to providing support and knowledge to people on their family building journeys. I have had the privilege of working on the front lines to support men, women and couples by leading groups and participating in RESOLVE Walks of Hope. Now, as a RESOLVE Board member, I also can work behind the scenes on RESOLVE’s mission to promote advocacy for coverage as well as access to care, support, community and education.