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Being There Through Infertility: His Perspective

July 21 by American Greetings Leave a Comment

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Sarah and Jack have bravely shared their story in our “Not Alone” video, and in their own words as a couple, but today, Jack will be sharing his perspective with us. A supportive partner to lean on can make all the difference through any tough situation, but especially infertility. Learn a little more about what the experience has been like for Jack below:

What unique challenges come with being the partner of someone going through infertility?

One hard thing is seeing my wife so emotional. Going through all of this isn’t easy for anyone, and to add to all of that, the amount of hormones that she has to be on throughout it all, makes things even harder. Trying your hardest to always remain positive and strong for that person, while trying to do the same for your own self can be rough too.

Do you feel pressure to continually be the “strong one,” or do you feel that is a stereotype or misrepresentation?

Naturally, as a man, I feel that I do need to be the one to stay strong, and supportive, because throughout all of this, my wife is the one having to make the biggest physical sacrifices. I feel like remaining strong for her is the least that I can do. I think that a lot of men in the same situation can relate to that.

What do you wish people understood more about the man’s perspective of infertility?

People should know that men go through the same feelings emotionally as women do. It is just as difficult for us, we just try our best not to show it, and in all actuality, it kills us inside to have to go through all of the ups and downs during the whole process. We just try not to show our emotions, and may demonstrate them in a different way than our partners might, but it does not mean that we are affected any less. I am not very good at venting or talking to anyone about the issues that we have struggled with. Life doesn’t stop, or slow down for you whenever things don’t go as you hoped with a treatment plan, or when you and your spouse go through a miscarriage, so I have always tried to do my best to keep a positive mindset, and have always just tried to keep pushing.

How has your journey impacted other relationships in your lives?

We have great friends and family, there is no doubt about that. The people we have chosen to share details of our journey with have always been respectful in trying not to make situations awkward for us, and have always showed us so much love and support. If anything, the bonds with these people have gotten stronger over the years that we have faced these struggles.

What was the most helpful thing someone said or did for you while you were going through this?

It’s always helpful to just receive a simple reminder that I’m doing a good job in my role as a husband. Reminders that good things will eventually come to us is always nice to hear, and remembering that God has a plan, and that everything will work out the way that it is meant to in the end.

What was the least helpful, or even most hurtful?

Something that is frustrating to hear these days is, “You’re young, and you have plenty of time,” when time just seems to keep passing faster and faster. I never planned on being an older dad. Accepting that things don’t always go as planned is a struggle in itself.

What has allowed you to be so open with your story?

I honestly did not even want to be open with our story originally. I’m not usually one to talk about my personal struggles and issues with anyone besides my wife. What changed my mind, was my wife’s strong belief that sharing our story could make a difference in a ton of people’s lives, and pave the way, or break the ice for other people or couples going through the exact same things that we are. Her perspective and take on things, and the passion to want to make an impact on the feelings of others is what made me look at this in a different perspective. It has actually been more therapeutic for me than I ever thought it would. It was a really great experience for us as well. I’m glad that she was able to change my mind.

Being There Through Infertility: Friend-to-Friend

July 17 by American Greetings Leave a Comment

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Today’s post from our “Being There Through Infertility” series, focuses the importance of friendship during infertility. Today’s post was put together by myself, Danielle, an American Greetings associate, and features one of the greatest friendships I have in my life, with my friend, Noha, who is also an American Greetings associate.

The journey to motherhood is what brought Noha and I together almost five years ago when we were pregnant with our daughters together. That journey – one of first-time motherhood definitely bonded us and solidified the power of our friendship. After my daughter was born, I experienced multiple perinatal mood disorders, including, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder. I never felt so alone, but because Noha and I were on maternity leave together, I ended up leaning on her, and she became one of my biggest support systems. Over the next four years, we only became closer, and I am so proud to call her one of my best friends.

The past year has been one of stress, pain, and anxiety for both of us, but being able to lean on each other, and especially being able to repay a fraction of the support she gave to me during my darkest days, has allowed me to see how important showing up for people in our lives truly is.

Here is Noha’s story in her own words…

Tell us a little bit about your infertility journey.

After my husband and I had our daughter (without any issues), we decided that we were going to try again after she turned one. We officially started trying in November of 2013, a month after her birthday. After a good year passed with no luck, we decided to talk to the doctor. I found out that several cysts had developed, and after some time I ended up meeting with an infertility specialist and decided to have surgery to remove one of the cysts that would not go away.

After much preparation, I was ready for the day of the laparoscopy. I just wanted to remove the cyst and move forward with trying to have a second child. I remember waking up from my surgery and asking, “Did they get it?” The look on the nurse’s face was very telling. She said “Well… actually, we didn’t remove anything.” “We couldn’t even get to the cyst because you have Endometriosis.” I ended up being diagnosed with stage four endometriosis – an advanced stage that was most likely causing my infertility issues.

After much deliberation with specialists, we were told if we wanted to go in and try to remove some of the endometriosis, we’d have a 25% chance success rate. If we did IVF, it was a 40% chance, so we went the IVF route.

Our first try was in November of 2016. I didn’t know what to expect, but I had a very positive mindset going into it knowing that I already had a child before and I’m under the age of 35. The doctors seemed very optimistic as well. However, that IVF failed and I was devastated and confused, but we decided not to wait too long before our next try.

We tried again with our second IVF procedure this past March, and this time around I got pregnant. However, I miscarried a week after getting the blood test. Although it was horrible news and I was devastated, I was, in a way, still pleasantly surprised that I even got pregnant.

We now have two embryos left, and after going through the first two tries, we decided to take a break during the summer so I can have a bit of a rest. Our last try will probably be towards the end of this summer or beginning of fall. This time we will put in the two embryos together, hoping for a better chance of a successful pregnancy.

How did you decide on being so open with your story?

I’m not a very private person to start with, so it’s not out of character for me to share my journey. Also, through the years of trying, I’ve met people that are either going through the same thing, went through it at some point, or just had their own issues with other things. To me, issues are issues. Mine is infertility. But anyone sharing any personal issue with me, is knowledge and awareness that I gain. So when I get asked the very common questions, “Is she the only one?” “You don’t want anymore?” I just explain very briefly that I’ve been trying for years. If they ask more questions, I share even more. I don’t feel ashamed for my infertility issue because that’s completely out of my control and there’s nothing taboo about it, in my eyes.

What was the most helpful thing someone said or did for your during this journey?

My parents have been extremely helpful during this process. During my first IVF try, it was peak time for my husband’s business. If he couldn’t make it, my parents stepped in and helped me by watching my daughter or even going to the appointments with me. They were there for me in every way possible.

My husband, although extremely busy with work, has been able to give me my routine progesterone shots every morning before leaving for work, and without him, I would NOT have been able to do this alone.

My friends were always there. I have a great group of friends that are there for me during the most important times. I’m so unbelievably lucky to have such an amazing group of friends at work, especially. This includes my manager and co-workers, who are extremely understanding when I have to take days off for appointments or when I find out results. These group of friends have literally cried with me, and I can’t feel any more gratitude when it comes to them.

What gets you through the hardest days?
I’m EXTREMELY lucky to be able to answer that question by saying that my daughter is 100% the reason why I’m okay. Many women with infertility issues, don’t have the privilege of saying “my child gets me through this.” I know that what I’m going through is nothing compared to what someone who wants to be a mom to at least one child is going through. I don’t take it for granted, and I know how lucky I am. When things do get tough with this process, I tend to gravitate towards my daughter the most and spend a little extra time with her, because I know how lucky I am to be a mom in the first place.
Watching our girls grow up together has been an amazing experience that has gotten both of us through some of the toughest times.

In what ways was Danielle able to show up for you differently than others?

Oh Danielle! I tell her this all the time, but she is absolutely one of the most thoughtful friends I’ve ever had. She listens to me and talks to me in ways that no one else does. She’s very empathetic and extremely supportive. She has never turned down a conversation when I needed her. She also isn’t just there when I need to talk, but is so attentively listening to every word I say and she just knows the right things to say to make me feel loved and cared for. I’ve never had a friend so understanding. She knows the right things to do and say to make me feel that she’s here for me during this process no matter what!

Knowing that Danielle credits you for being someone who showed up the most for her during her postpartum depression struggle, what has it meant that she is now able to show up for you during your infertility journey?

Danielle and I have been through a lot together. We became friends while we were both pregnant with our daughters in 2012, and have only gotten closer through the years. From her postpartum depression, to her dad’s passing, to my infertility, to our anxiety issues related to those situations, we’ve always been there for each other. I just can’t imagine it any other way. And for Danielle to be going through some of the toughest situations in her life, she somehow managed to make it about me when it came to my IVF process. It’s like she leaves all her worries and issues behind when she knows I need someone. And that takes a very special person to be able to do that. I’ve been beyond lucky to have her in my life and I hope to be as thoughtful and caring to her as she always has been to me.

The Story Behind the Video: Sarah & Jack

July 14 by American Greetings Leave a Comment

We have been simply overwhelmed with the positive response from our “Not Alone” video, and many people have let us know how pleasantly surprised they are to find out that the couple in the video are a real couple, sharing their real infertility journey. We are so pleased to feature Sarah and Jack’s entire story with you today, in their own words:

Where do we begin? It has been one LONG journey. Jack and I always knew that one day, we wanted to have children. We had our home and both of our careers established, we were getting married, and our plan was to wait a year, do some traveling, and enjoy married life before we planned on “trying” for a baby. After getting married, and I do mean directly after (on our honeymoon, haha) we had a change of heart and figured, “Why not get started now?” After all, 29 was a great age for me to have a baby. I was extremely excited with our decision, and from that point on, kids were all I could think about. When I took my very first pregnancy test, the sight of that single little negative line instantly devastated me. I just had this strange feeling that this might be the beginning of a long road. My husband giggled at my tears, gave me a big hug, and assured me that everything would be just fine, after all, it was only our first month trying. He was right, and I realized I was being ridiculous.

As time passed, along with several ovulation predictor kits and months of negative pregnancy tests, it became hard to keep patient any longer, and we finally decided after one year to have a consultation with a doctor. Some of my initial blood work determined that my AMH levels, which is a test that tells doctors the size of a woman’s remaining egg supply, were high for my age. I was told that these lab values could be an indication that I had a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome aka PCOS. Despite the fact that I felt really healthy, was very physically active, and had no symptoms of this condition, my sonogram did show the classic tiny cysts on each ovary to correlate with my lab results. The results of the sperm sample my husband gave were also abnormal, so my husband was given a list of vitamin supplements to take to help with sperm health and mobility. We knew that the road from here would be a little more difficult, but at the same time, we were relieved that we now had a couple reasons why it had been so difficult for us the past year. We remained positive and hopeful, and decided to begin Intrauterine Inseminations as a means of getting pregnant at the fertility office with our Reproductive Endocrinologists and nursing staff. I was put on oral medications Letrozole and then Clomid for several months to regulate my cycles and better time ovulation. After doing 6 IUI’s that warranted no success, we told ourselves that we would try one more, before moving on to IVF.

That month, we did an insemination on my 31^st Birthday, and 2 weeks later, I got my very first positive pregnancy test! I’ll never forget the joy that we experienced that day. We did it, we beat infertility and we were on Cloud Nine. Unfortunately, at 18 weeks pregnant, we went in for an ultrasound to try to find out if we were having a baby boy or girl, and our OBGYN discovered that our baby’s heartbeat could not be found. It was in that moment, that it felt as if time had stopped, and our world came crashing down. All tests performed showed nothing to be genetically wrong with the baby, something that our MD warned us might happen. There’s always a chance that you won’t find anything wrong at all. Great news, when you look at the big picture, but your heart always wants to know the reasons behind why things happen, especially in a situation like this.

Months later, we were ready to get back on the horse and try again. About 4 IUI’s following, using a higher dose of medications that I administered via subcutaneous abdominal injections daily, we had no luck, and that April we decided that we needed a break from it all, and planned to start IVF at the end of summer. I went in for some routine lab work and discovered that my pregnancy result test came back positive. We had gotten pregnant on our own! Unfortunately, about a week later, I had another miscarriage, this time it would be a chemical pregnancy ( I still to this day, hate the term).

We began IVF in September of 2016. At the end of our retrieval, we ended up with 4 beautiful embryos. We decided to do a fresh transfer right away with our best one, but unfortunately, that baby did not “stick”, and we were given the heartbreaking news that our first round was unsuccessful. Immediately following, we chose to keep the momentum going and continue the next cycle around and do a frozen embryo transfer in November. We were excited to hear that our pregnancy test following the transfer came back positive. We made it to being able to see another tiny little heartbeat on our first sonogram, but since the baby measured a bit small, we were told to come back a week later for a repeat sonogram. At that visit, it was determined yet again, that our baby’s heart had stopped beating, just 2 days before Christmas. We had suffered yet another loss, and I naturally miscarried on New Year’s Day.

In the months following all of that, needless to say, we needed another break. We did a “recurrent loss” blood work panel to check for an array of issues that could be causing us to have all of these recurrent miscarriages. Again, all results came back completely normal. So in turn, we decided to get back to our “normal” as a couple, and just enjoy life, the way we used to for a little while.

The funny part about these breaks, is that magic happens, and I seem to mysteriously get pregnant when we least expect it. We found out we were pregnant again at the end of April of this year. We again had the privilege of being able to see another precious little baby forming, with a heartbeat at our first sonogram, and a sense of new excitement began to exist. New hope. Unfortunately, after all of the ups and downs, and all you go through with infertility, you begin to get jaded. That feeling of excitement for a pregnancy quickly turns into fear and anxiety, and each day you mark off on the calendar closer to your due date seems like an eternity. The day before my husband’s 35^th Birthday, my 10 week sonogram appointment confirmed all of our worst fears that we hoped would never happen again. No more heartbeat.

This is where we are currently at now. Exploring other options, possibly more testing to see why this could be happening, keeping our remaining 2 embryos safe at a storage facility in Nevada just in case we want to go back down the IVF route one day. Still hopeful that one day our baby that is meant to stay will stay, still thankful for the life we live together, the love we have and the friends and family that have supported us from day one, but forever jaded.

_ Sarah and Jack

“I Wish You Knew” (Free Printable)

July 13 by American Greetings

We have been overwhelmed with the amount of infertility stories being shared since the release of our “Not Alone” video. The bravery and strength it takes to share these stories has not gone unnoticed, and we would like to thank everyone for having the courage to share.

Through many of these stories, we have heard what women, men, and couples wished people knew about infertility and the everyday challenges that come with the journey. We invite you to share those thoughts and wishes through this (free) printable fill-in-the-blank. Simply print out the sheet, fill in the statement, and share on any social platform to help people understand your unique perspective.

Click here to print

Being There Through Infertility: A Discussion with Elizabeth Grill, Psy. D

July 10 by American Greetings Leave a Comment

It’s often said that it’s tough to be a parent, but what doesn’t get talked about as much is just how tough it can be to become one. According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, Infertility affects one in eight couples—that’s more than seven million people in the United States.

As a company that honors and celebrates real life, we wanted to shine light on this issue to let hopeful parents know they are not alone—and help you, our dear readers, to have a better idea on what to do or say to support loved ones. By addressing this experience that touches so many (but is often not talked about) we hope to inspire more acts of compassion and kindness in support of those struggling with this heartbreaking disease.

To raise awareness of the importance of offering support to those experiencing infertility, we wanted to share with you our Being There Through Infertility series, to provide an inside look on the topic of infertility, as told by the people who have lived it.

In our first installment today, we’re featuring a conversation with Elizabeth Grill, Psy. D, and member of the Board of Directors for RESOLVE.

How did you first become involved with RESOLVE?

I first learned about RESOLVE when I was a fellow at The Center for Reproductive Medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. I was looking for ways to help and support patients on their family building journeys beyond the Center at Cornell. I was fortunate to be invited to a RESOLVE support group leader’s meeting and quickly joined forces with other mental health professionals in New York volunteering for RESOLVE. I began running support groups for RESOLVE 17 years ago and have remained involved with this amazing organization ever since.

How important is a support system to women and couples going through infertility?

When diagnosed with infertility, many individuals and couples may no longer feel in control of their bodies or their life plan. Women, men, and couples face loss of perceived control especially over the plans they made and fantasized about throughout their lives related to how and when they would conceive. They may experience loss of status and security. There can be loss of self-esteem, sexuality, femininity/masculinity, relationships, and potential loss of genetic continuity.

Feelings of isolation and social separateness begin to develop when the individual/couple realizes that others seem to conceive and bear children effortlessly. They at once feel different and alone. This sense of isolation may develop when the individual/couple is continuously questioned or teased about their childlessness. The need to insulate oneself from the emotional pain brought on by others’ curiosity or by social celebrations such as baby showers, christenings, and family events is acute. To avoid this pain, many infertile individuals and couples tend to withdraw, to isolate themselves from family and friends with children or avoid activities that include children. The resulting feeling of isolation can significantly affect self-esteem. The infertile individual or couple thus feels different, impaired, and prohibited from being part of a larger, childbearing society.

For all the reasons stated above, infertility is often the first life crisis that drives individual/couples to seek counseling with a mental health professional who is familiar with the emotional experience of infertility. Individual, couple’s, and/or group therapy help people to cope with the emotional roller coaster. Mental health professionals can offer support, teach coping strategies, and help with important decision making. Support groups offer a place for individuals and couples to share practical advice and helpful tips as well as meet and talk with others undergoing similar experiences.

What is the most important piece of advice you would give to someone who wants to show up and support someone going through infertility, but maybe doesn’t know where to start?

The first thing I would say is congratulations for understanding the need to offer a loved one, colleague, or friend support during this difficult life crisis. The mere recognition that someone you know needs support is certainly the first step in the right direction. Sometimes, all it takes is just showing up and telling the person that you care and that you are there to listen and/or lend support. Don’t try to solve the problem or give unsolicited advice. Instead, ask how you can help provide support, LISTEN to what the person’s needs are, and be prepared for those needs to change on a daily-even hourly basis. In some cases, friends and family members need to be educated not only about infertility and its treatments but also about the ways in which they can provide support. Go to the Family and Friends section of Resolve.org and educate yourself about infertility and how to support those you care about.

How do you avoid saying the wrong thing, and what are some examples of things that you shouldn’t say to friends going through this?Involuntary childlessness is an inter-generational crisis that can strain or damage family relationships by impairing communications and interactions. When infertility interrupts the normal family life cycle, it is not uncommon that a family’s unique flaws can sometimes precipitate negative behaviors such as parental favoritism, poor communication, and/or unhealthy coping strategies. As a result, family (and friends) can sometimes be the infertile person’s greatest challenge. They say insensitive things (“I think you’re just too stressed and need a vacation.”) or pry into the couple’s personal lives (“Any big news this month?”). Many family members and friends, in fact, truly struggle with how to support the individual and couple’s experiencing infertility. Support and interest is usually very much appreciated by the infertile couple; however, advice is not. To be helpful, some family members will talk of “miraculous pregnancies” that they have heard about, cut out articles, or suggest treatments or physicians. This type of behavior is usually unwelcome and often insulting to individuals who have often spent months/years of research finding the right doctors and treatments and these comments suggest that the couple is incapable of making their own adult decisions.

What are good alternatives and examples of the right things to say?

Some suggestions for family and friends include:

Acknowledging infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and costs
Being sensitive to the pain, stress, and emotional pressure of childlessness or the inability to expand one’s family as desired
Asking the couple how they would like to be supported
Emphasizing the importance and value of the couple as family members and friends
Keeping lines of communication open and stressing the importance of honesty, candor, tact, and diplomacy in interactions
Respecting the boundaries that the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility and understanding that they may not wish to discuss the ups and downs of this journey.

What do you find most rewarding about the work you do with RESOLVE?

I’m proud to be serving as a RESOLVE Board Member committed to providing support and knowledge to people on their family building journeys. I have had the privilege of working on the front lines to support men, women and couples by leading groups and participating in RESOLVE Walks of Hope. Now, as a RESOLVE Board member, I also can work behind the scenes on RESOLVE’s mission to promote advocacy for coverage as well as access to care, support, community and education.